A
Dumb Blonde Story
Okay, first of all call
me Brett. Not Brunette. Yes my
parents named me Brunette. Unfortunately for me, they named me that when I was
premature. Before I was born my Mom asked “me” if I liked the name. Apparently
I kicked. She took that as a sign that I “loved” it. Boy was she wrong. At
least I have brown hair. I suppose I should be grateful for that. I probably
would if it weren't for one thing.
Josh.
School was about to
start and I had just started to open my locker when boisterous laughter caught
my attention. I turned my head in time
to see Josh and his girlfriend Ashley walk around the corner. The last thing I need
was an encounter with Josh. The crowd wasn’t thick enough to disappear so with
I picked the best option I had. I shoved my head into my now open locker. I
have to admit it wasn't my best idea because: A) It smelled like old textbooks
and used gym clothes. And B) I could
still hear Josh.
“Hey, Barney! Nice
Hair!”
Quick flashback here. A few years ago, I had
recently moved to a new elementary school. My new teacher was nice as most
second grade teachers are. All except for her first question. “Hi! Welcome to
our class! My name is Ms. Star. What’s your name?” Now I was little and said
very out rightly, “Brunette.” I smiled proudly. Ms. Star’s smile faltered for a
second and slowly said, “Like the hair color?” “Yeah! My mommy likes it a lot!
Especially because I have brown hair! But you can call me Burney for short. My
Daddy likes that better.” I smiled again. I could tell Ms. Star didn't know
what to think. Across the room there was a loud explosion of boisterous
laughter from Josh. “Your name is Barney?! Wow!” So that’s why I started going
by Brett.
Resuming the story. Not
his best insult and its gotten pretty old since then. But it was enough to make
me want to retaliate. I ripped my head out to yell something about how stupid
he is. But Josh and Ashley couldn’t hear me because they were laughing so
loudly. They disappeared into a nearby classroom. My scowl slowly changed to a
smirk when I remember how I had interfered with Josh’s notes. Now I was going
on a date with the most popular blonde in the school!
~
It was almost 7:30 and
Blondey was walking just ahead of me. I would tell you her actual name but I
don’t know what it is. Wait! Before you freak out and go all, “How can you go
on a date with someone and not even know their name!?” let me just say that no
one knows. Everyone at school just calls her Blondey because that’s what she
wants everyone to call her.
I quickly caught up to
Blondey. “I think you’re going to like this.” “I think so too. You must have
put a lot of effort into getting these tickets.” I had. It took me three weeks
of yard work to raise the money. But in the end I finally got us tickets to see
a Bermuda Dinner Theater production.
The Show takes place on a small boat that sails a few miles off the coast of
Florida. I’ve heard from the neighbors that the shows are really good. Plus I
thought it would be a good way to impress Blondey.
The sky was gray and
overcast. At least the show would be inside if it started to rain. The night
was warm and humid which isn’t unusual for Southern Florida. There were a lot
more waves than usual though. I expected for the B.D.T. to bounce more but as we stepped off the board walk it was
surprisingly stable. Despite this Blondey still grabbed her stomach. That
worried me. Had I invited a girl that gets sea sick on a boat ride? I turned to
her. “You gonna’ be okay?” At first she didn’t respond then she nodded. I was
still kind of skeptical but we continued and entered the main deck.
The dining hall was,
well, bigger on the inside. A large glass chandelier hung above our heads with
gray streaked tile beneath our feet. I felt a little out of place in my jeans
and sneakers. The show was great and it turned out to be a murder mystery. I’ve
never been a big mystery fan myself but this show kept me at the edge of my
seat. The grilled lemon chicken was excellent. The portions were a little small
for the prices that they ask, but what can you do. Blondey improved, though she
hardly ate anything, we were able to make conversation. She was peppy and
laughed at most of the jokes that were made throughout the evening. Though her
reactions were always a little delayed. The conversation was a little awkward
in the beginning. I hadn't even thought to make it a double date. Maybe next
time.
As we were finishing
our meal there was a sound of thunder and a loud bang that rocked the boat. The
lights in the room went out and the four exit doors opened. The rooms occupants
including us made our way to the exit. The lighting wasn’t much better outside.
A dense white fog had set in and it was drizzling now. A line of thick black
smoke caught my eye. A deep male voice came over the intercom. “Is it working?
Thank goodness. Everyone listen up. The engine was struck by lightning. We
should be able to get it up and running in about-”, he never finish his sentence
because a long blade of lightening slice the stern of the ship. Then a man
shouted, “Quick everyone! Get into the nearest life boat!” I didn’t need to be
told twice. I grabbed the hand of a now green Blondey and ran to an empty life
boat. Before I knew it we were in the water watching the flaming Bermuda sink into the depths of the sea.
~
The only light I have
to row by is the lighting that flashes angrily overhead. The waves were rough
and bounced the boat tremendously. I tried hard not to look at Blondey as she
vomits over the side of the life boat. Every wave we hit she would lunge for
the side. Actually she never really left the side.
I wished that life boats had sails because of
how strong the wind was. I wished again that Blondey didn’t have such a weak
stomach so that she could take a turn rowing. By now my back was stiff and my
muscles were sore from fighting the waves. Well I was wishing for a lot of
things when I saw the most beautiful thing I had seen in a long time.
Land.
I began to row towards
it. We were almost there when the life boat reared back and was lifted up on a
huge wave! I started to panic when the world blurred and we were thrown from
the boat and onto the beach. When I finally came to my senses and finished
choking on the salt water, I looked around to find Blondey. She was unconscious
several yards away from me. I looked further down the beach to see the shards
of splintered wood that used to be the life boat being washed away by the tide.
No time to worry about that now. Right now I have to get us to safety.
I stood and hefted Blondey
and half carried half dragged her off the beach. My sore limbs disapproved that
Blondey was so heavy. It seemed like hours before I found a cave that would
serve as our hurricane shelter. I was almost to the cave when a large leaf blew
into my face. I accidently dropped Blondey onto the thankfully soft ground. I
grabbed the leaf and held it out in front of me. It was about as long as I was
tall. Then a thought hit me as hard as this leaf had a few moments ago. My arms
dropped. Still clutching the leaf I looked out into the gaping ocean before me.
Florida didn’t have plant life like this. Now here I was trapped on an unknown
island somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle in the middle of a hurricane, all
alone with a dumb blonde. All I could do now was go hide in the cave.
~
I had decided to sleep
on the leaf last night. I was jolted awake by the cold stone cave floor. I
rolled back onto the leaf and slowly opened my eyes. It took me a minute to
remember where I was. I rolled onto my back and was startled to see an old lady
bent over me. I screamed and tried to sit up but hit my head on a rock that
that had been protruding out of the cave wall. I gasped in pain and cupped my
hands over my face as I lied back down again. That rock wasn’t there before,
was it? “I take my humor where I can get it.” I was hoping that the high
scratchy voice I had just heard was a just a figment of my imagination. So I risked
opening my eyes only to see that the creepy lady was still staring at me. She
gave me a wide crooked smile. Man was she ugly! Her gray hair was tangled
beyond belief, her face was old and wrinkled, and her teeth (or at least the
ones she had) were yellow and decaying. Well, at least the island wasn’t
deserted. I opened my mouth to say something but the lady interrupted me. “No.
I’m the only one here.” What? Now I was confused. I tried to say something else
but was interrupted again. In a high scratchy voice she said, “My name is
Jimmy. It’s a long story and no I won’t tell it to you. I’ve lived here all my
life. I’m a master of witchcraft, that’s how you hit your head. I can read
minds. I’m only telling you this because you’re obviously really slow right now.”
It’s true I was. She was spitting out answers to questions as I thought of
them. With her talking a million miles a minute it was hard to take it all in. Old
Jimmy continued, “Your girlfriend is out looking for sea shells on the shore.
Yes your name is Brett short for Brunette. I already told you that I can read
minds. Now enough chit chat. You see that loom ever there?” She pointed a
knobby finger to the far end of the cave. “I was able to see your future
arrival, so I started weaving a magic carpet for you and Blondey so you could
go home. As you can see it’s not done so don’t try to pull so stupid stunt. It
should be done in a week. I’d suggest that you go find some provisions. You’re
welcome. Good-bye.” In a puff of smoke Jimmy vanished and reappeared at the
loom where she set to work on the carpet.
This part would bore
you so I’ll just fast forward this part. I found Blondey where Jimmy said she
would be. Creepy but cool. But still creepy. Oh right. Sorry, um, fast
forwarding. I eventually found a fresh water stream, built two huts in a
lean-to fashion out of the leaves and branches I found. I also found a few
fruit trees. I made a fishing pole to catch fish in the stream. Etc. Yeah, I
was able to do a lot in about two weeks.
All Jimmy seemed interested in was using her magic to re-vegetate the island.
I went to ask Jimmy
about the carpet. I walked into the cave but didn't see Jimmy. “RAH!” She
shouted scaring me half to death from behind. “Get your humor where you can get
it.” She smiled. Gross. “The carpet’s done. But you can’t ride it because I
haven’t tested it yet. No there are no other ways off the island. Blondey
already tried swimming off, too bad she got tired about half way there and swam
back.” That I hadn't known. She was half way there and swam back! Jimmy cut off
my thoughts of frustration. “I guess you could always try the Stairs of Laughter.
No one has ever made it to the top before though.” I was curious. “You only get
one try. If you get to the top you can have any wish you want. Their called the
Stairs of Laughter because every stair tells you a joke as you step on it. The
catch is that you have to get to the top of all one hundred stairs without
laughing.” Seriously?! All I had to do was climb a flight of stairs and I could
go home?! It was too good to be true. I had to try.
I ran out to get
Blondey. I explained the rules to her several times as we entered the cave.
Jimmy led us down a long tunnel to a large room. The stairs were a long stone
spiral staircase. I crossed the room to the first step. My feet were glued to
each step while the joke was told. The first few were simple knock-knock jokes.
Then on about step forty seven or so I couldn’t keep it in. I burst out laughing.
The step I was standing on started to shake. I stopped laughing, and then the
step tilted to the left and dumped me off. I fell nearly ten feet. As you can
probably imagine, it was painful.
“My turn!” Blondey
yelled. She ran past me, still lying on the floor in pain, and began her
ascent. I couldn't believe it. Once I was able to stand, I discovered that she
had past about fifty stairs! Man she was good. The jokes told grew longer, so
did our wait at the bottom. Finally she came to the ninety-ninth stair. It
occurred to me then that I had never talked to her about what to wish for. I
hoped that wouldn’t be a problem. I glanced over a Jimmy. She seemed bored.
Why? Blondey was about to do something that no one had ever done before! Just
then I heard giggles. Then snorts of laughter. (I have to admit, she had a cute
laugh. Anyway.) My heart dropped. No. This could not be happening. I looked up
in time to see Blondey fall. I ran out to catch her. Thankfully I did. The
force of her fall knocked me to the ground. I looked up at Jimmy cackling down
at us. And do you know what she said?! “Take your humor where you can get it.”
Now I was mad. I was done playing this lady’s games. I tried to stand but
Blondey was still on top of me. She continued cackling a she disappeared in a
puff of smoke. Her cackle still echoing off the walls and ringing in my ears.
When we were untangle I
sat there and stared for a minute. Blondey noticed. “What?”, she asked. “What?!
You were almost there! Why did you laugh?!” Her face broke out into a smile. “I
just figured out the first joke.” She proceeded to tell me the joke that had
ruined everything. Something about a chicken crossing the road. But I was
already in the tunnel. I could hear her footstep echoing behind me as she tried
to catch up.
I snatched the magic
carpet off the wall and left the cave, Blondey still chasing after me. I could
hear her calling, “Brett! I’m sorry! It was just so funny!” I didn’t care anymore. I had a new plan. This carpet
thing had better be legit.
It was. It took several
hours but I was able to figure out how to fly it. I hadn’t seen Jimmy since
that morning. I thought that was a little suspicious but I didn’t have time to
worry about that. I had to get off this island now before I became a crazy
person like her.
Dusk came. I had packed
some food and some water in Blondey’s purse. We sat on the purple and gold rug
ready to go. I was clutching Blondey’s thirty pound sea shell collection in a sack
she had made out of leaves. She was holding her purse. I tried to make it go
but the rug wouldn’t even lift off the ground! It wasn’t easy but I was able to
convince her to leave her shells, purse (filled with the food I wanted), her
jewelry, and our shoes. I tried again to make it fly and the carpet took
flight. This was the happiest I had been in a long time.
~
“No. NO!” The carpet
was losing altitude and fast. I tried to go fasted but that only increase the speed
of our loss in altitude. If the rug got much lower it would hit the water and
become too heavy to fly and we’d drown. I could hear Jimmy’s cackle echoing in
my ears. “Take your humor where you can
get it.” I had to think of something. When I did, I didn’t like the idea but it
was the only option I had.”
“Blondey, it was nice
knowin’ ya’. We can’t both make it back to Florida so I’m going to drop off
because…” I desperately tried to think of a reason. “Because I’m a brunette.”
Not my greatest excuse. Actually it’s my worst. I continued. “I love you, and I
want you to keep on living. For me.” That would probably be my best.
“Oh Brett! That’s so
sweet!” Blondey wiped tears out of her eyes and started to clap. Now I’m not one for speeches, but seriously! If
you let go of the carpet you fly off. And that is exactly what happened. She
fell off the back of the carpet. Without hesitating I turned the carpet around
and dove for her. I reached to grab her hand. Then we plunged into the ocean.
It was colder that I would expect and much too salty for my taste. The carpet
was sinking and dragging me down with it. Before I could decide what to do
something grabbed my arm and hoisted me out of the water. I coughed and
sputtered. I looked up to see three people in life guard jackets. A girl of the
right spoke first. “Hey aren't you the kids that disappeared in the Bermuda sinking three days ago?” Really?
Only three days? I was still choking on salt water. When I stopped I looked
around. It was a small speed boat the three life guards were talking excitedly
like they had just done something heroic. I guess they had. They had saved our
lives. Or at least mine. I sighed.
I squeezed my hands. I
looked at my left. I smiled. I was still holding the magic carpet. It was now sopping
wet but it would dry.
I looked at my right. I
had saved her after all. Blondey looked at me. I had never realized how blue
her eyes were. We smiled at each other. We had made it off alive. As we sat
there dripping salt water I realized something. I had confessed my love for
her. And do you know what? I think she loves me too. We leaned in closer. The
kiss wasn't really long enough for me to describe it to you in detail because
it was cut short. Blondey’s sea sickness took over as she lunged for the side
of the boat. What a way to end a perfect moment. I gave a small sigh.
The life guards hadn't noticed any of this. Then one turned to… Well me since Blondey was busy. “Say
we better get you guys back to the beach! A lot of people will be anxious to see
you!” I’ll bet they are. He started up the boat. The second guy came up, “Where
have you guys been? How are you still alive?” He nudged the carpet with his
foot. “Where did you get that?”
I gave him a genuine
grin. “It’s a very long story.”